Surfside, Washington – the sleepy little beach community where time slows down, the ocean breeze whispers softly, and the average age of residents sits comfortably at a sprightly 65. But beneath this serene exterior lies a shocking statistic: 95 out of 3,000 cars were caught speeding past a radar sign. Gasp! That’s three percent—a veritable epidemic by Surfside standards! Or is it?

Data shows the following typical statistics on rural roads

Example Dataset from Speed Sign Studies

Area Type Speed Limit Average Speed Percentage Exceeding Limit

Urban.                25.               32.        45%

Let’s dive into the math, folks. For every 95 lead-footed drivers barreling down the road at a blistering 25 plus miles per hour (in a 25 zone, naturally), there are 2903 others crawling along like it’s the grand parade of the turtle Parade. Thats 3%!! The real epidemic here isn’t speeding—it’s that we’re all secretly auditioning for the next episode of “Slow and Steady: Senior Granny Gear.”

The Unstoppable Slow Pokes

Picture this: a local retiree in their trusty Buick, proudly sporting a “World’s Best Grandpa” bumper sticker, cruising at a solid 17 mph. Behind them, a line of one car., the following driver resigned to fate, contemplating life’s big questions: Why are we here? Should I have taken up knitting? Does 17 mph even count as driving?

Occasionally, a daring soul in a Subaru Outback revs it up to a zippy 30 mph, causing heart palpitations in every driver within a mile radius. These are the Surfside speed demons, the adrenaline junkies, the rebels of the neighborhood. Their crimes? Moving just fast enough to upset the delicate balance of a community built on cautious acceleration.

The Speed Sign Speaks!

Let’s not forget our unsung hero: the speed radar sign. The new toy of the HOA board. It sits there, day and night, tirelessly flashing its numbers like a neon warning to those audacious enough to press the gas pedal. “SLOW DOWN!” it pleads, while secretly hoping someone might, just once, push it past 35 so it can feel alive again.

Of course, the sign’s data tells a different story. Out of 3,000 cars, only 95 have dared to defy the Surfside shuffle. That’s fewer than the number of 3 times the number of residents who show up to HOA annual meetings just to complain about grass heights. In a place where golf carts are a mode of transportation, speeding is less an issue and more a mythical tale told to scare newcomers.

A Community Solution?

What’s the answer to Surfside’s non-existent “speeding problem”? Perhaps it’s time to embrace our identity as a haven for slow drivers. Let’s install more speed signs—but instead of flashing “SLOW DOWN,” they’ll say, “IT’S OKAY TO GO 25.” Or maybe we create a local event: the Surfside Snail Race, where residents compete to see who can get to the stop sign slowest without stopping entirely. Winner gets a coupon for free coffee at the local diner—redeemable in no less than two visits. I propose the board consider changing the name of our HOA to Snailside.

Luckily, we will soon have a full-time officer handling traffic enforcement. He will be excited by the lack of excitement.. Maybe we can use the sign on highway 26 to the coast its needed and where doing 55 mph will get you run over. In the end, Surfside isn’t defined by its speed demons or its slowpokes but by its quirky charm and seniors living a quiet lifestyle. So the next time you find yourself stuck behind a grandma in a Cadilac going 10 in a 25mph zone, just smile and wave. She’s not in a hurry, and maybe, neither should you be.