This year’s Surfside preservation campaign flyer once again promises to preserve Surfside’s traditional character, maintain infrastructure, enforce covenants, and protect views. If the brochure feels familiar, that’s because it has apparently achieved the status of a Hollywood sequel.

One board member proudly described themselves as an “independent thinker during the candidate forum.” Which was interesting, because they campaigned with the same brochure, same themes, and same talking points as the rest of the cast. Apparently, “independent” meant independently arriving at exactly the same conclusions as everyone else.

No separate platform. No unique ideas. Just one giant  group campaign project where everybody turned in the same paper with different signatures.

Another amusing feature of the flyer is the famous “Yes” table. Every candidate dutifully answers “Yes” to every issue. Yes to preserving character. Yes to views. Yes to roads. Yes to water. Yes to puppies, apple pie, and world peace—presumably.
One can’t help but wonder: did anyone really need a chart to tell us that everyone agreed with everything? It’s a bit like publishing a survey asking, “Do you support sunshine and happiness?” and proudly reporting unanimous approval.

More importantly, what would happen if one candidate dared to answer “No” to something? Suppose a candidate said, “Actually, I think we should discuss that.” Would alarms go off? Would they be escorted out of the Surfside Preservation Country Club? Would their membership card be revoked? Would they be forced to surrender their synchronized-swimming credentials?

Apparently, being an “independent thinker” means independently arriving at the same “Yes” answers as everyone else. After all, nothing says diversity of thought quite like a table full of identical check marks x 3.
Perhaps next year’s flyer can save paper and simply print:

Question 1: Yes? Answer: Yes.
Question 2: Also Yes? Answer: Yes.
Question 3: Are we all still saying Yes? Answer: Absolutely Yes.

Because when every answer is “Yes,” one begins to wonder whether the table is measuring opinions—or attendance at the Surfside Preservation Country Club annual meeting.

Preserve Community Character

Surfside’s traditional character once consisted of shore pines, wooded lots, wildlife, and peaceful coastal waters.

Now, preserving community character sometimes resembles preserving everything except the things that made the community look like Surfside in the first place.

Tree-height rulers have become so important they should probably be displayed in the Surfside board room next to the Declaration of Independence.

Meanwhile, the west side has watched trees disappear faster than alcohol at a Seahawks super bowl  party.

Even the fish in Seabreeze Lake have reportedly begun discussing relocation opportunities. A boiling pot would be better than seabreeze  lake.

Represent Everyone Fairly

Everyone should be heard equally.

Some members, however, seem to feel that equality means:

• Some emails are answered.
• Some complaints are acknowledged.
• Some criticism is welcomed.
• And some people are politely informed that if they don’t like things, perhaps they should move to another galaxy.

Nothing says “community spirit” quite like calling people troublemakers for submitting motions.

Water Quality

Residents support clean water.

Unfortunately, residents have also become amateur water-treatment experts.

Many have acquired:

• Bottled water collections.
• Filter replacement schedules.
• Extensive knowledge of E. coli.
• Enough charcoal filter experience to qualify for jobs at Brita.

Repeated boil-water notices have turned cooking pasta into a survival exercise.

At this point, some residents trust the weather forecast more than the faucet.

Trees and Property Maintenance

Current policy occasionally creates a fascinating circle of life:

Step 1: Cut tree.

Step 2: Tree becomes stressed.

Step 3: Tree dies.

Step 4: Receive violation notice for dead tree.

Step 5: Repeat.

It’s like “Groundhog Day,” except with chain saws and paperwork.

Fair and Equitable Compliance

The 2024 budget reportedly included $300,000 in violation revenue.

Which prompted some residents to wonder:

“Are we running an HOA or opening a branch office of the IRS?”

Preserve Views

Views are important.

Trees not so important.

Wildlife not so  important.

Water quality not so  important.

But occasionally the debate resembles two neighbors arguing over whose curtains should be open while the roof is on fire.

Emergency Preparedness

Wildfire discussions occasionally sound as though Surfside is one dry tumbleweed away from becoming Arizona.

Meanwhile, atmospheric rivers, flooding, erosion, algae blooms, dead fish, and water quality issues quietly stand in the corner waving their hands saying:

“Excuse us, we’re here too.”

Architectural Standards: The Shed Chronicles

Perhaps no story better captures Surfside government than “The Case of the Remarkable Shed.”

The homeowner was told by the office:

“Go see the Architectural Committee.”

Five months later the committee approved the variance.

Cue applause.

Except the show wasn’t over.

Suddenly, the approval became an appeal.

The committee chair transformed from architect to prosecutor faster than Superman changing in a phone booth.

Board members joined the cast, adding enough dramatic commentary to qualify for their own legal television series:

“Law & Order: Special Shed Unit.”

Observers were left wondering:

Was this an approval?

An appeal?

A hearing?

A sequel?

Or simply an elaborate escape room where everyone was searching for the correct procedure manual?

RV Storage

No complaints.

The RV storage quietly does its job.

Which in Surfside qualifies as a miracle.

The Compactor

The compactor also works.

Nobody campaigns on it.

Nobody argues about it.

Nobody writes 14-page position papers about it.

It just sits there doing compactor things.

Frankly, it’s beginning to look overqualified for public office.

A Kinder, Healthier, Stronger Surfside

Maybe the future doesn’t have to be:

Trees versus views.

Rules versus neighbors.

Fish versus algae.

Sheds versus due process.

Or Independent Thinkers versus Their Own Brochure.

Perhaps the goal should simply be a community where people are treated fairly, nature is protected, infrastructure works, and nobody needs three attorneys and a television script to build a shed.

Now that would be a plot twist.

Some would say I’m not taking this seriously. I do take the election and members seriously that’s why I sent out my own brochure with my own views. No yes approval table needed.